Failure isn't an option

I'm feeling challenged.

As part of my HND I'm studying for a CYQ certificate in instructing gym-based exercise. A big part of it is showing people how to safely and effectively use gym equipment - essentially teaching. And it's my worst class.

So far in the rest of my course - anatomy, nutrition, first aid, health screening - is going fine. Passing assessments and handing in assignments is good for me, I've had a couple of corrections to make but I'm passing.  But this class - sheesh. It's been a loooong time since I've felt this inadequate.

What adds to my insecurity is that a lot of the others on the course are really well-versed in teaching gym equipment. Some have teaching qualifications already, or have worked in a gym, or studied the same things in previous courses. But me - I'm used to working out at home. Most of what I've learned I've learned from DVDs, none of it with big weights or barbells or gym machines, and although I'm quite confident in my technique, I've never had it scrutinised.

And in class, we're having to demonstrate to each other - which is even more nerve-wracking, because I'm having to pretend to teach a deadlift to somebody who's done more deadlifts than I've ever done, who's taught deadlifts, who probably eats deadlifts for dinner and then dreams about them. There's nothing like knowing somebody knows more than you do to wobble your confidence!

And I'm not used to practical assessments. I like books and essays, writing things down and having people read them. I don't like having to be judged on what I say out loud! I've been teaching dance regularly for eight years now, and it's only recently that I've felt really confident in what I'm doing. Will it seriously take me that long to feel happy teaching in the gym?!

Another compounding factor is that the class takes place on a Friday, so even though I'm motivated by my own inadequacies during and after the class, I have managed quite successfully to go home afterwards and forget all about it!

I hate being bad at things. I hate walking out of that class knowing I was in the bottom 20%. I hate the insecurity of thinking that I might fail. I hate feeling inadequate.

So it just can't be an option. I've got to pass this unit. I've got to be bloody awesome in the gym. Failure isn't an option. Adequacy isn't either. I have got to NAIL THIS THING!

Forget everybody else in the class and don't think about how much they know. I have got to focus on what I do. Being that best me that me can be, as Cookie Monster says. I know what's required in teaching - being confident, knowledgeable, having stock phrases to rely on so you don't always have to think about what you're explaining. Being comfortable and focusing on your student. I can do this!!

My assessment is in FOUR WEEKS, when I'll be assessed on my ability to teach 8 exercises - although there are like, 35 to chose from? If I can perfect a few every week - using books, YouTube and some practical gym experience to work from - I'll have plenty to get me through.

Life often feels better with a plan. Hope I can action this one - time management's going to be the struggle, with a couple of deadlines every week for the next few weeks. But since there's no way I'm going to flunk this class, I'd better get the hell on with it.

Going to College: the first week and a half

Last week I started an HND Course in Fitness, Health and Exercise at Telford College. Yes I'm a student again, fifteen years after my last experience of full-time education (or at least, I will be once the college are happy that I'm not a danger to vulnerable groups and let me pay my fees!)

Until a fortnight ago I was expecting to study at Jewel & Esk College - both are in the north of Edinburgh and both teach an HND Fitness course. I'd originally applied to Telford who told me they had no spaces, and after interview I was offered the J&E place. But a week before the start of term, Telford rang me up to say they had space and would I like to come to interview? Telford is significantly easier to get to (25 minutes by public transport as opposed to 55 to get to J&E, which is crazy because Telford is 4 miles away and J&E is 3 miles away!) and the campus had a nice feel to it, so I chose Telford.

Although the colleges are merging, along with Stevenson College, in November, so either way I will be a student at the new Edinburgh College, just at a different campus!

Now, I was prepared to be oldest on the course. I wasn't really prepared to be in another minority though - women! It's been a loooong time since I've moved in male-dominated circles; trust me, bellydance clases, toddler groups, and the school playground at 9am are all largely populated by women! And of course, these aren't any men - they're young lads with great skin, good hair and upper bodies shaped like inverted triangles. This is NOT an enviroment I'm used to!

While the teaching staff in the Sports Programming deparment seems to be about 50% women, there are just six females on the course of 20 students. I can't deny I'm much more comfortable talking to the girls. Working with the boys is beyond my comfort zone, but I'd better get used to it!

After two days of interminable sitting around, icebreakers and teambuilding challenges (press-ups, joke-telling, chain relays, treasure hunts...) we finally got some proper classes at the end of the first week. Nutrition, and Anatomy and Physiology. A lot of my classmates have completed access courses to get onto the HND course and have covered a lot of the material before. For me it's mostly new and is going to involve a lot of memory work. Although yesterday I got 15/16 on a mini test so I guess I'm doing okay (safe to say I won't be forgetting the clavicle again!)

Our course leader missed our first week due to a broken cheekbone (sporting injuries must be par for the course in this department I suppose) so we missed our first two practical gym-based sessions. I've already blogged about our first session in the gym which was brilliant!

There's also a First Aid course - again, I seem to be one of the few who hasn't done a first aid course before, I've always meant to but never managed it, so I'm really pleased to be studying that.

There is Personal Development Planning, and our first assignment for that is to submit a graph plotting significant events in our life and career from the last decade against quality of the experience, good to bad. Yes, a decade - significantly easier for me that for the 16-year-old in the class who, I think, is rating her experience in primary 3 of doing a project on The Victorians as 'quite good'...It's a class which is supposed to help us focus on careers, outcomes and where the course is taking us. Hopefully it'll be useful.

We also study Health Screening and Principles of Fitness, which are very useful - already we're designing questionnaires for potential clients, and learning to use calipers for body fat measurement. 

Now that the work has properly begun I'm much happier. I can't wait to get it all under my belt and start working (steady, Elspeth - two years and plenty of assessments before that happens!)

On my first day, I bumped into another mum from our school who had also enrolled on a course. When she asked how mine was, I mentioned that I was the oldest and how I felt a bit uncomfortable. When I saw her again at school on Thursday, she told me she'd quit her course. "It was like you said", she explained, "it was full of kids having a laugh, and I thought, I don't belong here, so I just left."

I'm not doing that. I am guessing that she didn't want her qualification as much as I want mine, because I am prepared to withstand plenty of kids having a laugh if it means I get to be a personal trainer. Frankly, if there's any question of anybody being in the wrong place, it won't be me - it would be the kids having a laugh! I'm here to stay and I'm not going to quit. Just like that four-minute plank, baby!

Logging in again

Tomorrow I have my induction day at Jewel & Esk College, and in a week's time I should start their HNC course in Health, Fitness and Exercise. I'm really looking forward to it!

My daughter started primary school last week, and her going to school and my going to college have been linked for both of us. All summer it's been "after the holidays, I'm going to school and mummy's going to college." I hope I settle in as well as she does - she's been up early every morning this week saying "I can't wait to go to school again!"

Life threw a curveball at me on Friday, when Telford College (also in the North of Edinburgh) phoned to say they now had places available on their HND course in Health, Fitness and Exercise, and would I like to come to interview on Tuesday? It took me by surprise, because I had applied to Telford, but they told me they were full, and in my head I was settled to go to Jewel & Esk.

I have to be pragmatic about my choice of college. When I study I'll still be working 4 hours a week  teaching bellydance, and my lovely children will still need to be taken to and collected from school every day. The college that makes these things easiest - by a suitable timetable or easier location - will have to be my first choice.

The cost of the course is also an important issue, but you have no idea how quiet institutions keep about their fees! I know it's because the majority of students have their fees paid by the Student Awards Agency Scotland, but for those of us who don't, it's very frustration and difficult to make a choice. What else would you be expected to chose without knowing the price? Why is education different?!

Speaking of which, I don't get my fees paid and I won't get any financial support for my course - which will, ultimately, make me a productive member of the workforce and a taxpayer. My degree - first class honours, politics, University of Stirling, 1991-1996 - means that I've got to finance myself through this part of my education. People have suggested I apply for an ILA, but again, there are unavailable to graduates - sigh. There doesn't seem to be any option for people who aren't working and want to retrain!

I am feeling bereft of training at the moment, and I'm very tempted to enter the Liverpool Marathon in October. But first I need to know how physically challenging my course is going to be. I don't think it will be productive to run 40 miles a week if I'm shaking at the end of two compulsory afternoons in the gym at college! Hopefully I'll find out tomorrow at the induction day.

Whatever happens, I have my notebooks, my academic diary, some nice new gym trousers, and a Lothian Buses bustracker app.  I'm going to college to learn and make the most of the opportunties that will improve my future.